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How to Feel Emotionally Safe Again After a Toxic Relationship

    ✍️ By Subhasri Devaraj



You know that feeling when your phone lights up...

…and your stomach drops even before you check who it is?

Not because you're excited.
Because you're bracing yourself.

Bracing for a mood swing. A guilt trip. A text that seems sweet but somehow makes you feel small.
Bracing for the chaos that became your normal.

If that’s where you’ve been — or where you still are — just know this:
You’re not dramatic. You’re not crazy. You’re not weak.

You were in survival mode.
And now, you’re learning to feel safe again.

Let’s do that together.

1. Teach Your Body It’s Safe to Breathe Again

You can leave the person and still feel like you’re in danger.
It’s like your body didn’t get the memo.

Even after it’s “over,” your hands might still shake when you hear a door slam.
Your shoulders still tense up when someone raises their voice.
You still flinch when someone reaches for their phone mid-argument.

That’s not weakness.
That’s your nervous system — your body’s alarm system — stuck on high alert.

3 Weird (but real) things that helped me feel safe again:

  • Humming. Literally. Like an awkward, low “mmm” sound while cooking. It soothes the vagus nerve. Sounds fake, but it works.

  • Cold water on your wrists. Not a shower. Just 10 seconds under the tap. It resets your brain like a gentle slap that says, “Hey. You’re okay now.”

  • Placing a hand on your heart. Feels silly. Do it anyway. Feel your heartbeat slow down as you say, “I’m safe. I’m home. I’m okay.”

Plot twist: Your body believes what you show it, not just what you say.

2. That Little Voice Inside? She Needs You Now

You know the one.
The one that whispers: “I knew it wasn’t okay…but I didn’t want to be alone.”

That scared little voice that stayed quiet when they made you cry and then said you’re just too sensitive.
That part of you that still wonders if it was your fault.

Here’s the truth no one told you:
That voice isn't weak.
She’s wise. And she’s waiting for you to finally listen.

Talk to her like you would your best friend:

  • “It made sense that you stayed. You didn’t have the tools back then. You do now.”

  • “You’re not stupid. You were trying to love someone who didn’t know how to be kind.”

  • “You’re allowed to be mad. You’re allowed to miss them. You’re allowed to feel everything.”

You don’t have to fix her.
You just have to sit with her.

3. Real Self-Love Is Not a Bubble Bath

People say “self-care” and throw around bath bombs and journaling prompts.
But real self-love? It’s gritty. It’s unglamorous. And sometimes, it’s hard.

Like:

  • Defending yourself in your own head. When that inner critic says “you’re too much,” you say, “No. I’m enough.”

  • Not explaining your no. You don’t need a 5-slide presentation on why you’re not going to that event. “No” is a full sentence.

  • Unfollowing their friends. Not because you’re bitter — because peace costs less than knowing what they’re up to.

  • Not checking their profile “just one more time.” (Put a sticky note on your screen that says: They don’t live here anymore.)

Every time you choose peace over proof, you choose you.

4. Street-Smart Boundaries (Because Healing Isn’t Polite)

Here’s what they don’t tell you about toxic relationship recovery:
Sometimes, after leaving the mess, you miss the chaos.

That dopamine rollercoaster was real. The drama was addictive.
And now, peace feels boring — even suspicious.

But boring is safe.
And safe is where you get your power back.

3 things that saved my sanity:

  1. Trusting the whisper. If something feels “off,” even if it looks good on paper — believe your gut.

  2. Not romanticizing pain. Just because someone was intense doesn’t mean they were deep.

  3. Recognizing red flags in disguise:

    • “I just care so much” = controlling.

    • “You’re my world” = codependent.

    • “Nobody understands me like you do” = isolation strategy.

It’s okay to miss them and still block them.
It’s okay to grieve someone who hurt you.
It’s okay to say: “I loved you. But I love me more now.”

The Thing Nobody Tells You About Healing from Toxic Love

You’ll feel like you’re going backward sometimes.
You’ll have days where you wonder if you imagined the abuse.
You’ll have dreams about them. You’ll want to reach out.
And maybe, one day, you even will.

But healing isn’t linear. It’s spiral-shaped.
You come back to the same pain, but from a stronger place.

Every time you choose yourself — even if you wobble — you build a new kind of safety.
One that doesn’t depend on who’s texting.
One that lives in your bones.

Read This When You Think You're Not Strong Enough

  • You are not broken. You’re healing.

  • The fact that you’re even reading this? That’s bravery.

  • You don’t need to be “fixed.” You need to be heard.

  • Your feelings make sense. All of them.

  • You're allowed to take up space, say no, and start again. Even if it’s messy.

The person who hurt you doesn’t get to decide your worth. That’s your job now.
And you? You're doing beautifully.

A Gentle Challenge

Tonight, before bed, whisper this out loud:
“I’m allowed to feel safe again.”
Then place your hand on your heart and breathe like you believe it.

If this hit home — I’d love to hear your story in the comments.
Or just leave a ❤️ if words are too much today.

You’re not starting over.
You’re leveling up.


🧠 Disclaimer:
✋ No AI Here:
This blog post was written 100% by me, Subhasri Devaraj, without the use of AI writing tools.
Every word is real, personal, and written from scratch — just like a proper conversation over filter coffee. ☕
No bots. No auto-generated fluff. Just me, talking to you

⚠️ No content here is copied or auto-published. I don't post anything I wouldn’t say to a friend.

📌 Copyright © 2025 — Subhasri Devaraj | The Heartlogue
All rights reserved. Please do not copy, republish, or reprint without permission.

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